A Field Guide for Nocturnal
Vehicular Deer Hunting

Roxane Gay

Fall 2009

If you’re driving alone in the dead of winter, at 3am, along that lonely stretch of US 141 in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula 100 miles out from Houghton, at that point where the landscape is so desolate that you begin to imagine that some great catastrophe has wiped out all of mankind, and then you hit a deer, do the following:

1. Pull over immediately. If you’ve stopped with only one axle over the deer’s corpse, slam your foot on the gas. It’s like pulling a tooth. Best to get it over with quickly.
2. Release your grip on the steering wheel. Take a deep breath. Try to drive away. There is no shame in plausible deniability.
3. If your car is unable to drive in a straight line, pull over again.
4. Turn on your emergency lights on the remote chance that another car will a. drive by and b. not carry a serial killer and c. stop to offer assistance.
5. Try to call AAA. When you are unable to find a signal, remember where you are. Shake your fists at the sky.
6. Carefully approach the deer. If the deer has antlers, count the points and score the buck. Try to recall the significance of these points as relayed by your boyfriend, ad nauseam.
7. Get back in the car to warm up. Take stock of your situation, making note of potential survival supplies. [Remember: in a crisis, even the most innocuous items can be a tool in your salvation.]
8. Get out of the car and take a picture of the deer (a 12 point buck according to your scoring) so your boyfriend will be jealous.
9. Try your cell phone again. Point your phone toward the moon at different angles and in different directions. Play a quick game of Solitaire.
10. Worry about people who will be driving down the highway in a few hours if the world has not come to an end. Prepare to move the deer to the shoulder first by donning gloves in case the animal is carrying rabies.
11. Grab the deer by the antlers, much like one might grab a bull by the horns. [Remember: Be sure to bend your knees as you pull. Back safety is always important.]
12. Once the deer is safely on the shoulder, choose one of the following movies to serve as inspiration: a. Red Dawn or b. The Empire Strikes Back.
    1. Search your car for a sharp tool and some means of conveying liquid, stab the deer in the neck as close to the carotid artery as you can. If you aim correctly, and blood begins to flow, collect said blood in your means of conveyance. Drink freely, allowing some to stain your chin. Pound your chest. As Patrick Swayze says, “You have to do it. It’s the spirit of the deer.” Now you are a true hunter.
    2. Search your car for a sharp tool and take a deep breath. This next part will be difficult. When ready, slice deer open along underside. Remove entrails. Crawl inside warm space to survive the night just like Han Solo saved Luke by gutting a Ton-Ton on the frozen planet Hoth whose environs is similar.
13. When you can no longer feel your extremities, say a quick prayer for the deer. Return to your car. If you catch a glimpse of your bloodied self in the window, do not be alarmed. [Remember: In survival situations, we often have to make difficult choices.]
14. When you begin to experience hunger pangs, carefully cut away some meat from the deer’s corpse. Lay the pieces across the hood of your car. When the sun rises, they will begin to dry and you will have venison jerky for later.
15. Write a brief history of the world in case, as you strongly suspect, some great catastrophe has indeed wiped out all of mankind so that whatever survives will find your record of humanity. Things you may want to discuss in your history include Madonna’s 1992 coffee table book entitled Sex, the mating habits of contemporary adults, fast food, and reality television.
16. When, hours later, a car finally drives by, stand well inside the shoulder and try to flag them down. If they speed away, perhaps frightened by your blood-stained face and hands, pack your venison jerky, clean yourself with some nearby snow, and begin walking North.

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